I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME