I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Meow
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.