this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
You Might Also Like
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A wise man once said nothing.