The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days