I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
pep talk
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.