Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
is this how new cars are made??
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Good news
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Why is this me 😫
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money