Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”