[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
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Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
two people or more is called a problem
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Would you wear it?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.