Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
You Might Also Like
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on