I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
shampoo implies shampee
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
#SaturdayBears
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.