I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
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The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel