If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Damn he played himself
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Is your wife single?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
getting seasonal up in here
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out