i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain