Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Welcome
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The fall of Netflix
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My birthstone is a marshmallow