Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries