[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
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I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
good work, everybody
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.