I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
This checks out
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
We have a winner.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.