Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
This is a true ally.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!