doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Going into Monday like
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity