Stonehinge
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.