For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
What’s a Messi?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Bootstraps
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.