I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*ernest hemingway voice*
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee