[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.