me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.