Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Sponch
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?