I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.