Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Good news
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
What the dentist sees
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet