My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!