-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
You Might Also Like
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
#milo
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE