A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!