me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.