[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.