Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
is this a warning or an offer?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.