me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.