My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
The Others (2001)
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do