They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
what’s more important?
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
#StillHurts
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
emergency phone
Happy thanksgiving!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?