You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me trying to reach for my goals