Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Blew out my flip flop…
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
How can I say no to this ?
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie