Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
had to share :’)
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*