One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
So creative 😂
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.