Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.