Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.