Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Somebody call the cops.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My patience has stretch marks.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I’m aging like a fine banana
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi