Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator