The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
live, laugh, laundry.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Received some very disappointing news today
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.