News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off