If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
You Might Also Like
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.