Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*puts my mental health in rice
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
wtf is this choreography 馃槶馃槶馃槶
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?