america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you