Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?